The Journey

The journey has been beautiful,

It has touched my soul.

Filled me with a belongingness,

That gives me strength,

A blessing from above.

I am grateful for the memories made,

The laughters shared.

My heart tells me” live each moment

Tomorrow might be different story”.

My mind whispers a warning,

“Nothing lasts forever,

Don’t forget”

This battle between the two

Whom do I listen to?

Let myself soar high on the wings of trust?

Soak in the warmth of friendships?

Or listen to the whispers?

Step back and be prepared,

To watch it all slip by,

The wheels of time,

Will eventually take it all away,

Do I offer up my blessings as a sacrifice?

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Take My Ship Away.

The miles to go longer,

The oars are getting heavier.

I am not able to see the shore,

My ship is rocking .

Those travelling with me are tired too,

My harsh commands dent their ships,

As I try to calm the rough seas,

I am restless,

I do not let them enjoy their voyage,

I shout to them,

“Hurry there are miles to go,

Do not rest,row,row,row”

The light from their eyes are getting dimmed,

Do I need to be towed away?

To keep them all safe?

Till I gather my strength to sail smoothly,

Till I know that the rough waves come and  go,

Till I find my anchor.

“Hush Hush Baby;Don’t Say A Word”-The conversation no one wants to have.

Past few months I have been battling my lows.It seemed like it was no longer a matter of surviving a week of blues.The constant state of unhappiness was sinking me even more.I was not able to find my other self,I was afraid I would lose her,that bubbly happy self seemed so unreachable now,cocooned off in another realm.

Someone asked me recently “What do you mean you are feeling low?How does it actually feel?” Read on to try catch a glimpse of the play of emotions.

“I can’t stop crying.The tears keep pouring.They have a story of their own to tell.They are trying to find a way out;lest my soul drowns in them.I have felt their cleansing many times before.Now the hot tears burn my cheeks.I blink in an attempt to build a dam,to shut the sorrow in.I am plunged into a bottomless pit of darkness.I rack my brains and I realise I have no options.Everything I have been doing to hold on,to build ,to stay afloat is all in vain.One small rustle and everything comes tumbling down.I am not brave to die…who says cowards decide to die?.Does it require so much bravery to put an end to it all or do you have to be that enveloped in darkness?Either I am not that brave or not that into darkness.All I feel like doing is crawling into bed and slipping away to wake up later to find a rainbow or whatever that will help me carry on.Where did I lose my way?When did everything become like this?When did I become a person with no options?”

So how do you explain when you are a whirlwind of clashing emotions?When at times you feel so much rage within you,so much anguish that it consumes you.What about those nights when you can’t sleep,when you feel words are choked and the tears don’t fall ?When you want to jump off a cliff but you are petrified to climb one.How do you explain the times when you feel empty,when you ask “why can’t I be enough?Why can’t I be who I am as I am?”

Recently my husband asked me why I have started new things in a way to celebrate birthdays.How do I explain I want to make memories,I want to know that I did something special for those I care about,to let them know that they mattered.How can I explain that the real reason is I want to shake people and tell them I feel I am only here for a little while longer,that my time with you is running out?

No one wants to talk about it because it is still a taboo.No one wants to acknowldege the friend who can slip into sadness when there is no reason to do so.How many of us are brave to stand before our own,those we call our people and say “I am broken,I am slipping,I have been battling my demons for so long its making me weary.” Why don’t I do that?I am afraid,I do not want sympathy,I do not want to feel vulnerable.It takes a lot bravery to be your true self with another.It is much easier to emerge on good days and let the world see the joy,to be the joy.

This is a very small step to write truthfully about the battle.There are many like me on this quest to slay the demons that hold us tight.Till we are brave to remove our masks,we have to do whatever it takes to make life meaningful.Paint a picture,seek to find the reserves within,find that haunting tribal music that will set you free and those of us who need to take medications you must know that there is no shame.To feel intensely is a gift,we have the ability to connect with people on a much deeper level.Our blessing,our curse are two sides of who we are.

Raindrops on Roses

I smile to myself as I walk to the ground where my car is parked.There is something about school grounds and watching the morning rush of kids running around in uniforms that always triggers a wave of nostalgia.I love listening in on the conversations that take place in the backseat of the car.

Five year old:”Yipee!Sleep over today.”

Ten year old:”Hey what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Twelve year old:”Teacher?Kindergarten teacher sounds good?..Aah lets just get today’s school done with”

The girls were excited about the upcoming long weekend .”Raindrops on roses,whiskers on kittens”..a song from Sound of music  had  been sung so many timesthat evening by my daughter that  I couldn’t seem to get it out of my head.As I was humming the song for the umpteenth time I thought about what were my favourite things.

I love the smell of books ,coffee and babies.I have a soft corner for dimple flashed smiles cause it reminds me of a certain boy whose eyes used to light up every time he spoke.Christmas time takes me all the way back to school days,running up and down corridors,decorating windows and christmas trees,carols in the air,making circles with  fog on cold winter mornings.Giggles, hugs and whirlwind of energy ,an endless dance in motion.

Conversations with cousins that are overtaken by  laughter even before the first sentences are completed,leaving bystanders amused for it makes no sense to them.Dialogues from malayalam movies that contain hidden meanings that are so apt for situations that only we cousins who uttered them knew it was enough,we understood our own secret language of childhood.We didnt have to speak more or explain.Long walks on the beaches of the corniche listening to stories told by Acha and ideals discussed.The melt in the mouth Keasari cooked up in Amma’s kitchen in a jiffy and the Kitkat bars that wiped away many a tears.A bike ride to watch a full moon amidst the busy chennai traffic,the wind in my hair as Don and I went up winding hills and stood in awe watching the waterfalls gushing down.Open masala dosa topped with melting butter in canteens where we went to escape hectic college days.Endless last goodbye meals with a friend who is still just a message away .An impulsive boy who was forever roaming Mangalore roads on his bike,whose ” S.chech” gave me a gift of friendship that was so intense inspite of being short;snatched away from me much before his time.He who left behind a smile everytime I think of him.There is a tshirt of his tucked away safely in my cupboard.A fierce looking bulldog soft toy which was handed to me with the words “look at him everytime you miss me or look at the moon”.A whats app message that begins with “hi sis,how is your day?”.Thursday nights for over a decade with a gang of friends that have blurred the lines between mine and yours to ours.

The list seems endless. A zilion small raindrops on roses captured,treasured and held tight.People and things might fade with time but these are mine forever.

The Game

I am playing peek a boo

With someone who looks like me,

I know she won’t trust easily

Her warrior scars she conceals,

Her eyes tell me,

Of battles won and lost.

Somewhere I see;still,

A glimmer of trust,

A longing to belong,

A dangerous light called hope.

Together we must light a match,

Watch from afar,

As the bridges built

Burn to the ground.

It’s only the first throw,

That she needs me for

Then I know;

The flame of burning bridges

Will mesmerize her,

Destruction as dangerous as hope

I will push her ,

Nearer to the chaos

Let her get burnt,

Let the light in her eyes turn to ashes,

As she stands admist the raging fire,

Her cape will appear,

Her salvation,

The key to unbecoming herself.

My Writings

My husband saw me sitting on the sofa with my laptop open.He asked, “A new blog?” I was a bit hesitant to reply,after years of thinking I had finally taken the first step to creating my own blog.I wanted it to be my space,a place I could be truly me.He flashed me a smile when I told him that I was writing a blog of my own.He added, “Try writing Happy”.

That got me thinking.I am by nature a happy person,I do have a good sense of humour and I love the company of friends,but I write only when I am overwhelmed.I write most times when there is a lot of noise and voices in my head.I write when my heart is full and I need to calm down.I write to remain sane.I write to vent.I write because that is where I can be safely me.It is the only place where I can stand up ,remove my happy mask and shout “I am slipping,I am sinking low”.There is no reason at all but that is how I feel right now.One of my friends told me “Try to get things into perspective,dont give yourself so much importance.Remember you are just one among the millions”.

I understand there are only a precious few like me,those of us who feel with a little more intensity about many little things.Getting older has helped me come to terms with a lot of things.I ebb and flow with my emotions.I rise up and fly few days.Some other days I go low and coccon myself.My words on paper ,at times trying to write faster than my pen,in an attempt to out run the voices .When it all tumbles out I am at peace,ready for the next moment.So anyone out there who writes when it gets too much,stay brave,stay safe in your writings.Hoping you too can find someone who says “I know what you are trying to do…”

My Veiled Companion

I see her dazzling smile,

I see her outstretched arms,

I see her eyes searing my soul.

Her pull is strong

She whispers to me

“Come ,I am your true love

You belong to me

Let me embrace you,

Comfort you in my arms,

From ages I seek you”

Why do you slip away from me each time?

Why do you fight me with all your might?

Why do you plead with me to let you go?

Do you not see,everything else is superficial?

Hope,love;all touch you and leave.

It is I who will last forever.

Allow me to hold you

I will be all you need

In me ,you can sink,

In me, you can let go.

I am down on the floor

Refusing to look up

Lest I drown in her eyes.

I mumble;” Spare me,let me go,

One small ray of light

Is all what I seek”

I stumble

I fall..

She blinds me with her beauty

Her cloak envelopes me

She takes my hand

I am ready for one dance

One slow dance to last a lifetime?

She whispers “I am Despair,

The enchantress

Your true companion”