As the Corona virus threat looms large we have been asked to stay at home and to follow social distancing.
This quarantine time provides the much needed forced rest for me. I have this restless energy that forces me to be always in motion lest my dark clouds overtake me. It has always been my quest to try to stay ahead even if it’s just one step. Along the way I discovered people helped, I used them as my lifelines to safety. As I worked my way through difficult weeks or months I searched for every hand that I could trust to pull me up. Now as I sit back and pause I realise I have developed a deep dependency on my connections. An addiction to people. It was reading Pema Chodron that opened my eyes to such a possibility. I always thought of addictions in relation to substances. I am using people as others use substances to find comfort.
Using substances to feel good can create havoc within us but when the addiction involves people the equation is even more complicated. You are adding another person with their own stories and limitations. It is not a static equation of use at will when needed. The dynamics involved make it even more dangerous.The moment I feel lost, lonely or restless,I reach out to people to find my ground even going so far as to make my home in them.
Hoping the lows that come will be something I can deal with. This time I don’t have the option of keeping mindlessly busy in and out of the house. I want to break my habit of reaching out to people.
As with people who go into rehabilitation I too will need to find ways to overcome my addiction. I am going to gently break old familiar patterns. I am going to sit and befriend my lows. I know they come and they go. Now I need to learn to not rush to fill the voids and emptiness within me with people.
I need to learn to stay with my feelings, whatever arises; without judging. Maybe if I embrace the loneliness, this sense of being lost or this sadness that envelopes me, I will finally learn what it has been trying to teach me all along.
In my detox mode I need to go cold turkey.I will keep dropping story lines as they emerge.This time I am going to muster all my inner reserves of strength to just be.As with any de-addiction process I know this will be difficult. I will stumble, I will fall. I might even want to give up . I know I will go into my old pattern of weaving stories that we all use to justify our addictions. Whatever arises I will stay with intensely missing people without trying to find my comfort zones. Hoping to emerge stronger on this journey.