Past few months I have been battling my lows.It seemed like it was no longer a matter of surviving a week of blues.The constant state of unhappiness was sinking me even more.I was not able to find my other self,I was afraid I would lose her,that bubbly happy self seemed so unreachable now,cocooned off in another realm.
Someone asked me recently “What do you mean you are feeling low?How does it actually feel?” Read on to try catch a glimpse of the play of emotions.
“I can’t stop crying.The tears keep pouring.They have a story of their own to tell.They are trying to find a way out;lest my soul drowns in them.I have felt their cleansing many times before.Now the hot tears burn my cheeks.I blink in an attempt to build a dam,to shut the sorrow in.I am plunged into a bottomless pit of darkness.I rack my brains and I realise I have no options.Everything I have been doing to hold on,to build ,to stay afloat is all in vain.One small rustle and everything comes tumbling down.I am not brave to die…who says cowards decide to die?.Does it require so much bravery to put an end to it all or do you have to be that enveloped in darkness?Either I am not that brave or not that into darkness.All I feel like doing is crawling into bed and slipping away to wake up later to find a rainbow or whatever that will help me carry on.Where did I lose my way?When did everything become like this?When did I become a person with no options?”
So how do you explain when you are a whirlwind of clashing emotions?When at times you feel so much rage within you,so much anguish that it consumes you.What about those nights when you can’t sleep,when you feel words are choked and the tears don’t fall ?When you want to jump off a cliff but you are petrified to climb one.How do you explain the times when you feel empty,when you ask “why can’t I be enough?Why can’t I be who I am as I am?”
Recently my husband asked me why I have started new things in a way to celebrate birthdays.How do I explain I want to make memories,I want to know that I did something special for those I care about,to let them know that they mattered.How can I explain that the real reason is I want to shake people and tell them I feel I am only here for a little while longer,that my time with you is running out?
No one wants to talk about it because it is still a taboo.No one wants to acknowldege the friend who can slip into sadness when there is no reason to do so.How many of us are brave to stand before our own,those we call our people and say “I am broken,I am slipping,I have been battling my demons for so long its making me weary.” Why don’t I do that?I am afraid,I do not want sympathy,I do not want to feel vulnerable.It takes a lot bravery to be your true self with another.It is much easier to emerge on good days and let the world see the joy,to be the joy.
This is a very small step to write truthfully about the battle.There are many like me on this quest to slay the demons that hold us tight.Till we are brave to remove our masks,we have to do whatever it takes to make life meaningful.Paint a picture,seek to find the reserves within,find that haunting tribal music that will set you free and those of us who need to take medications you must know that there is no shame.To feel intensely is a gift,we have the ability to connect with people on a much deeper level.Our blessing,our curse are two sides of who we are.